"You're big enough Daddy."
These were the words from my three year-old daughter, Catarina, one afternoon as she walked up to where I was sitting on the floor and organizing the movies and games in front of the entertainment center. In her small, petite, tiny little hands was an old, beat-up silver measuring tape that she had somehow come by in her adventures around the house with her older sister who was now also sitting by me and helping me with my task. As Cati inched closer, she stretched the length of the tape measure between her two hands and held them up as she measured my physical dimensions in the air in front of her. "Yep, you're big enough Daddy" she said again. I smiled. "I'm big enough? What does that mean?" She thought for half a second before she tilted her head sideways, smiled back at me and said: "It means you're good enough Daddy." My smile widened and tears began to form as I pulled her close to me and gave her a big hug. I took the tape measure from her small grasp and pulled it open to measure her back and nodding my approval I said: "Yep, looks like you're big enough and good enough too." She smiled and took the tape measure back from me and immediately began to measure her sister who instantly groaned at the infraction onto her personal space but who, with a little encouragement from Dad, reluctantly agreed to let her sister measure her too. The consensus was in, we were all both big enough and good enough.
Fast-forward to the present: my daughters are now 14 and 16. Those innocent days seem like a lifetime ago. Their teenage years feel more like turbulent seas than the safe harbor of childhood. Recently, my oldest daughter, Anastasia, bought a new outfit over spring break. She was excited to wear it to school—so excited that she actually got up early and made sure she was ready so that we weren’t late for school, which for anyone who doesn't know was a minor miracle. But as she walked into class, another student made a snide remark: “‘Oh, it’s about time you bought new clothes.’” And just like that, my daughter’s joy evaporated. Was it a coincidence that she stayed home from school the next two days?
When I saw the alert come through on my parental control app where my daughter was telling her sister and cousins about what happened, I wondered if I had done my job as a parent to instill that belief in her that she's good enough just the way she is. And in that moment, it seemed I'd failed miserably. I wanted to find this teenage girl who’d made the remark and give her a piece of my mind. How would she like to be treated that way? Who was she to judge someone else? And you realize in that moment just how little control you have over anything, and how little you can do to protect your children from the harsh realities of life.
This experience with my daughter is just one example. A teenager comparing herself as if to say, look at you, I am better than you. But if you look around on social media you quickly realize that my daughter’s experience is not an isolated incident. People everywhere are doing this to one another. And it's not a stretch to say that collectively, much of this misery and suffering, perhaps even most of it, is being caused by individuals who might otherwise be considered very respectable people. Citizens.
What is it that drives this need to judge and compare ourselves with others? To put others down in order to bolster our own sense of self? This continual comparison – do they have more than me? More knowledge than me? More possessions? Or do I have more? Do I know more? Am I more important?
These reactive patterns, they’re all conditioning. We’ve learned to do this, from our childhoods on. This old conditioning, patterns of thought, is so repetitive that without intervention, your entire sense of self, of me, can become bound up with the activity of thinking conditioned thoughts, and the need to compare yourself with others. And every time you think you’re right, you imagine your sense of self has grown. Just like this teenage girl with my daughter. For a moment, she smiles inwardly and imagines her sense of self has grown. I have more than her. Feels good.
But of course, this is an illusion. And this is why life is so unsatisfying. Because that sense of me based on conditioned thoughts and comparison to others is never quite enough. Always need to add a little bit more to me because I am not there yet. I am not yet enough myself. And this is the feeling that everyone has.
Is there another way. Yes. What do I have to do?
First of all, see the conditioning that has happened and recognize it for what it is – this constant drive to compare yourself with others. Second, and perhaps less intuitive, is that you have to let go of thinking about the past and future and to start living in the present moment. The past and future - these don’t exist. No one has ever been to the past, except in the present moment as a memory. And no one has ever touched the future, you can’t. These are mind-made structures that can be useful when communicating ideas. But when you’re entire identity becomes wrapped up in your story – because that’s all that the past is – your story – that sense of not quite enough, of insufficiency and lack, will come quickly. How do I know this? Because everyone’s story is problematic. And this is why the mind needs future. Because it’s in the future that I can get what I am lacking, and add to my sense of self. But these are illusions. There is no such thing as past or future, there is only now. And when we can be in the now, we can let go of our story and free ourselves from the burden of comparison with others. You are not your story. Thank goodness. And just like my three-year-old daughter told me, you are enough.